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Call for cutback in poignant toys left at baby cemetery



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Published Date: 06 October 2008
By FAY WINTER
A CHARITY is calling for new rules to restrict the number of mementoes left at Edinburgh's only dedicated baby burial ground, amid fears parents are being put off burying their children there.
Complaints from parents about the state of the rose garden at Mortonhall Cemetery have prompted Sands Lothians – which supports the parents of stillborn children – to look into the highly sensitive move.

The charity is concerned over the number of personal items, such as soft toys and ornaments, on some graves which are left there for months.

Dorothy Maitland, Sands Lothians operations manager, said: "I don't want people to think Sands is trying to go in there and rip up the rose garden, but we are getting so many people contacting us to say they are disappointed with the way it looks and they want something done.

"You are frightened to upset parents – they have enough grief without people saying that you can't do this or you can't do that. It's very difficult to get a happy medium.

"I would just like it so it's peaceful, without changing things too dramatically."

She said Sands Lothians has received complaints from parents who visit the rose garden about the clutter and that some parents were even choosing to cremate their babies rather than bury them at Mortonhall.

She added: "When the rose garden was opened in the 1980s, having a stillborn child was a taboo subject. Graves were marked with a rose bush, but parents couldn't put a plaque marking the grave.

"When all the roses were out, it was lovely and parents seemed quite content, but now they have started putting fences round their babies' graves, as well as getting ornaments and toys.

"A lot of the stuff is left for a long time and you end up with Christmas stuff still there in June."

Mrs Maitland said the complaints prompted her to send out a questionnaire to parents asking for their views on the rose garden, and that all but one of the responses indicated that parents felt there was a real problem with old toys and other objects left at the graves.

Karen Boyce, a midwife at St John's Hospital in Livingston and former Sands co-ordinator, said: "I approached Dorothy Maitland because I was sad to see how the rose garden has changed over the years.

"My baby was buried there 20 years ago and it was very different then.

"We were told we weren't allowed to put anything there.

"Personally I would like a nice grassy area with some plants. You are now allowed to have a granite stone and that could also be quite nice."

But she said that plastic toys, windmills and fences have ruined what used to be a peaceful garden.

She added: "It has got really out of hand. I feel quite sad about it. I've gone less and less, because I find it quite upsetting."

A public meeting has been called for Wednesday, October 22, to discuss the concerns about the rose garden at Mortonhall Cemetery, as well as the baby burial site proposed for Edinburgh's new cemetery.

George Bell, bereavement and public health manager, and Stuart Fagen, cemeteries officer, will attend the meeting in the Sands Lothians office in the Craiglockhart Centre, 177 Colinton Road, at 7.30pm.


The full article contains 558 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • Last Updated: 06 October 2008 2:17 PM
  • Source: Edinburgh Evening News
  • Location: Edinburgh
 
1

Boy Wonder,

06/10/2008 12:23:56
Ban toys completely. They get left alone and what doesn't get stolen after one day, is a soggy, bedraggled mess after a few days exposure. It's completely the wrong sort of memento to put on a gravesite!
2

john3,

06/10/2008 12:25:30
I cannot help feel for the bereaved but surely toys could be given to children.
3

Linmal,

Livingston 06/10/2008 12:40:09
#1 & 2 I agree wholeheartedly. I have every sympathy for parents who have lost a child. I cannot beging to know the pain which, thankfully, I have never had to bear, the nearest relative I have lost were my parents and that was hard enough. But I feel that these sort of things should be for the living. Give a child a toy who can enjoy it but by all means go and remember your baby there with dignity.

I have seen cemetries where people leave pieces of jewellery and even a can of beer and I find this to be tasteless and tacky and upsetting to other relatives.

Life is for living - I think about my mum and dad often, but I don't grieve for them on a daily basis, its just not healthy.
4

Alternative (High-Octane) Fuel Head,

Edinburgh 06/10/2008 12:48:41
#1 & #2:

I also agree.

I don't suppose you have a recipe for wet, soggy teddy bears do you Boy Wonder?
5

Linmal,

Livingston 06/10/2008 14:13:09
#5 No objection, as long as they also take into account the feelings of others who are also grieving.
6

FreddieIII,

Scotlandia 06/10/2008 15:11:53
Where did this tasteless sub-culture develop from? It is bad enough to have poor taste but quite the other to force your taste on others. Do they really think that leaving cheap teddy bears and other tat to rot is going to help you the grieving process? Best way is for the Cemetery to arrange for such rubbish to be given to a charity shop instead of it going near the area. Flowers should also be removed after one week.
7

Brian Ferrari,

06/10/2008 15:42:25
#7

I think you're being a bit harsh with the flowers.
8

gotalottosay,

06/10/2008 15:48:17
i think #7 you might be a wee bit too harsh there. referring to presents for children who have passed away as "cheap teddy bears and other tat" is a shade insensitive. its obvious you have never lost a child.
9

Arrow,

edinburgh 06/10/2008 16:41:06
it seems like this is another "import" from abroad this excessive grieving. it all seemed to start with the Diana episode and leaving flowers at the scene of accidents or deaths is another thing. i agree that it is different where parents lose their children but why toys that are just asking to get nicked. would it not be more relvant and provide some benefit if the toys could be given to some kids hospice or ward with a wee remeberance plaque in the ward with the name etc.
there seems to be no "closure" (another import!)after months but it seems to have to be public rather than private. is it that not to be seen to be publicly grieving is seen as being heartless/cold rather than grieving privately and getting on with life. where were we before "grief counsellors"? probably getting on with life but still not forgetting those who died.
10

Linmal,

Livingston 06/10/2008 16:43:44
#9 You don't have to have lost a child to know what is and is not in poor taste. Surely a nice floral tribute is better than a teddy bear left to rot and become tatty? I have every sympathy for bereaved parents, but you don't have to go to a cemetery to remember them, they will always be in your hearts. We all need to grieve in our own way but we also need to remember that other people might find it distressing when they are visiting the grave of a loved one.

I would say a donation to a charity involved in research into child illnesses or something similar might be a better way to remember a child you had lost and perhaps making it possible one day to avoid another parent going through the same pain. And that would be a lasting memorial.
11

celtic4,

USA 06/10/2008 17:58:37
#10, I want you to know that people were leaving flowers at roadsides where accidents happened even before Diana's premature passing. It was never "started" by America, yet go ahead blame us for every little thing.

I have lost three children. Very seldom do I visit the cemetary because they are not there. They live inside my heart. When I choose to memorialize them, I donate toys to living children that might not have any.

Yet again, I agree that grief is a very personal thing. But common sense needs to be there as well. Why would anyone put a teddy bear, that will just get all soggy on a gravesite? Useless in my way of thought. Better to make a donation in baby's name or to grant toys etc to the children who are poor and may do without.
12

The real dracula,

06/10/2008 19:25:00
I agree the toys look tatty but it IS hard to tell people what they are allowed to do when grieving.

The saddest thing I came across is in a cemetery outside Edinburgh. There is a grave where a mum leaves a light on beside the grave of her son , because he was always scared of the dark. I'm sure it comforts her and does it really disturb anyone else ???.

Perhaps new rules could be brought in to restrict the amount left at the graves and also restrict the amount of time they are left.
13

Arrow,

edinburgh 06/10/2008 22:31:01
#13 i don't mention the USA in my comment and i apologise if i have offended you. what i meant was that previously British people got on with it if someone died (even if it was a child; not an uncommon thing when i was growing up in the 40s); there is a tendency among immigrant populations to express their grief in what might be charitably called execessive (loud weeping. wailing,falling about, fainting) which seems the norm in their home societies but seems out of place here. it is not the "stiff upper lip" approach but a bit more restraint might be more becoming.
14

celtic4,

USA 06/10/2008 23:16:25
Dear Arrow, You did not offend me, and I did not intend to sound as tho you did. This is the anniversary of my Dad's dying and maybe I was a bit too quick with my words.

All I meant was that yes it is hard to decide what a person can and cannot do in grieving but I do agree with what you're saying about wailing etc. There are countries who HIRE people to wail and cry at funerals.

 

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