WHAT a carry on. It had been a bad day at the office. Secretary of State for Scotland Jim Murphy was in a despondent mood. He walked into Dover House, kicked the office cat and barked at officials. The economy was still in a bloody mess and the days left before the general election were fast running out. What could he do?
As luck would have it he found his ace political advisor, John McTernan, waiting for him. McTernan, formerly Blair's policy wonk, was fidgeting as usual, showing all the demeanour of someone plugged into a wall socket but trying to keep a straight f
ace.
"Hey boss, I've got this brilliant idea to win over the hearts of the public?"
"Okay, but keep it brief, Spurs kick off in half-an hour."
"Right boss. It's simple, people love politicians to have a stiff upper lip and show resolution in the face of adversity; think Thatcher, think Falklands – but they also love compassion, think Diana, think landmines." Murphy grimaced at either thought. It was not a good start.
McTernan went on, "Well, next month is the BBC's Children in Need appeal and we need to muscle in on the show and get you and Gordon into it so you are seen as resolute and compassionate – and I have the answer – we offer to take part in one of their spoofs where instead of newsreaders doing rock songs politicians do a sitcom. And I know just the one to do."
Murphy was now intrigued and told his driver he would be leaving later.
"To be a spoof where people will laugh with you rather than at you, it has to be instantly recognisable. What better than a Carry On film? I've thought it through, the plot will be about saving a sick kids hospital from privatisation – everybody will be on side, even the Tories. If asked by the BBC they will not be able to refuse for fear of it getting out and looking all mean-spirited. Cameron doesn't do mean, his make-up would run.
"I've already cast the characters, Gordon Brown will be Terry Scott, a bumbling, blithering idiot who gets there in the end; we can have Cameron as Leslie Phillips with blazer and cravat, going around all suave and sophisticated saying 'Well, Haa-lo' to the nurses.
"And boss, Mandy will just revel in playing Kenneth Williams. I can just hear him now, camping it up and speaking through his turned-up nose as the hospital administrator.
"Who's Hattie Jacques, we need some women, who's Barbara Windsor?" said Murphy.
"Only Barbara Windsor can be Barbara Windsor" said McTernan, irritably, "Her walk on part will confirm it's a Carry On. I'd like to get Alex Salmond as Sid James, though, he can play the cheekie chappie, chuckling away, always looking for the next joke, the next gamble. He'll bite as it gets him on the British stage and will cause headaches for the Beeb." McTernan winked to Murphy, knowingly.
"As for Hattie, who better to play Hattie's role as Matron than Annabel Goldie? The rest of Britain deserves to know her, she's made for the role, all innuendo and double meanings and a glare to bust through armour plate."
"We could have Harriet Harman as Fenella Fielding, David 'Fluffy' Mundell as Bernard Bresslaw and John Bercow as Frankie Howerd, going all oohs, and aahs. Bercow will be begging for it"
Murphy was by now excitable and enthusiastic and McTernan was revelling in the telling of his plot.
"What are we going to call it?" asked Murphy, with the look of a clapping seal about to have a herring dropped down his throat.
"Carry On Regardless, boss. It is the worst recession in modern history. It is deeper and longer than anything that's gone before and instead of leading the world out of it we're trailing behind last. Even Italy's economy is bigger than ours now. So what do we do? We show our resolve, we carry on regardless and undaunted. We offer more of the same high spending to dig ourselves out of the debt. The public likes bribes so we offer more free welfare. If it works we put up taxes afterwards, if we lose the Tories will soon be hated for making their cuts. We'll be back in by 2014 – and we'll be leading the charge, boss."
"Brilliant, Brilliant – is there anything else?
"Then, boss, we deliver the coup de grace, totally unscripted Terry, I mean Gordon, announces that all of the cast will be donating one month's pay and expenses to Children in Need. There won't be a dry eye in the nation."
Murphy stood bolt upright and looked McTernan in the eye. "You're having a laugh John. It made sense up until then, but donate our pay and expenses? Are you mad? What sort of fantasy is that?"
The Secretary of State turned away and strode out of the room. His mobile told him Spurs were already one-nil down to Burnley, it was going to be a long night.
Brian Monteith's latest book, The Bully State – The End of Tolerance, published by The Free Society, can be found at:
www.amazon.co.uk/Bully-State-End-Tolerance/dp/0956372007 