No messing, please do not feed the street-savvy Waverley pigeons - Susan Morrison

The announcement at Waverley Station is very polite, but it is not messing about. “Do not,” says a firm male Scottish voice, “feed the pigeons.” Fair dos (sorry).

Pigeons, despite their reputation for being bird-brained, are smart when it comes to food

Pigeons love Waverley Station. There are thousands of them, and the big problem is they do doo-doo. An average bird produces up to 14lbs of poo a year. Multiply that up and you have a lot of stinky, sticky rotting guano in your station.

The trouble with this announcement is that I don’t think it’s the people in the station who’re feeding the birds. Pigeons, despite their reputation for being bird-brained, are actually quite smart when it comes to food. They’re a bit like teenage boys. First thing in the morning they can’t seem to find clean clothes, but they can unerringly locate the fridge.

Our street-savvy pigeons long ago figured out that swooping out of the station and heading for the Gardens or St Andrews Square opens up a world of catering options. There are always suckers in the city chucking about bits of high-end sourdough and cooing at the antics of the birdies dancing over the crumbs. Lunch over, the pigeon takes flight to shelter in the station. If a bit of an M&S meal deal falls on a platform, then it’s all gravy for our urban scavenger.

The trouble is we like feeding pigeons. It’s part of our culture. Who hasn’t taken a toddler to throw some bits of bread for the birds? Mary Poppins even has a song about an old biddy flogging crumbs for tuppence a bag to “Feed the Birds”, although that song could also be a damming indictment of pre-welfare state Britain where female OAPs are reduced to selling stale bread to make ends meet. We might be heading back there. Future Tory leaders, I’m sure, would applaud crumb-based entrepreneurialism in the over-70s.

Pigeons might look cute, but they are an increasing pest and the only way we can get them under control is to listen to the voice of Waverley Station. Do not feed the pigeons. Even if a sweet old lady is trying to flog you some crumbs.