Why UK has to change its tune

LET'S be honest, how many good songs, approximately, can you remember from decades of watching the Eurovision Song Contest? Think about it for a nano-second . . . is the number greater than the times you remember Terry Wogan saying something that had everyone in the room splitting their sides at a remark that came perilously close to racism?

If that's too strong for Terry's legion of fans, how about the proposition that he got his laughs, and cult-following, from the sort of national stereotyping that drives Scots to drink whenever a TV performer mimics our rolled Rs etc?

Terry was lumping together Norwegian and Swedish cultural tastes, and senses of humour, long before the countries of the former Eastern Bloc voted for each other's songs. He was having a laugh at the baroque nature of the entries from Spain and Portugal years before he gasped over the get-up worn by the Israeli transsexual artiste a few years ago.

The audiences loved his sarcasm and wit, even though it was at the expense of an entertainer doing his or her best with mediocre material, or a national cultural trait, or both.

So maybe some of his victims will see a sort of rough justice in the UK entries being the fall guys, because Sir Terry was, and remains, very partisan towards the country in which he's been such a success. And certainly, amongst the officials from some of his "victim" countries, there won't be many tears shed if he decides to hang up his microphone after the gubbing handed out to the UK entry.

The director of Eurovision, a Swede called Bjorn Erichsen, thinks Wogan a "problem" because he makes the contest "ridiculous". No, he doesn't . . . it's not a real contest and it is ridiculous.

But below the superficial block voting for each others' entries by the Baltic/Scandinavian group(s), the Eastern Balkans and the Mediterranean countries, there may be deeper emotional and political currents than Sir Terry realises.

The EU, although seen by member countries and others who wish to join as a bulwark against the dictatorships from which they've escaped, is now too big and culturally diverse for people from Tallin to Tarbet to share identification.

Presumably that's why there's now an EU grouping of countries to do business in the southern part . . . the Mediterranean Alliance, and in July a proposition will be tabled to allow customised co-operation amongst the Eastern Bloc countries.

It's partly because of this development of political and cultural alignment amongst different groupings of EU member countries that I'm convinced of the need for a closer co-operation amongst the nations, regions and islands of the British Isles and Ireland.

But the Eurovision Song Contest has had its day . . . like the Act of Union, it's an auld sang whose words few now remember.

It's time to consign both to history as they no longer fulfil the function we expect of them.

Strings are unhealthy
THE £4 million super-scanner donated to the NHS Lothian and Edinburgh University by the Royal Bank will bring benefits to patients having heart scans and medical researchers who'll keep ahead of their rivals for lucrative research grants and projects.

The Royal Bank will also enhance the package of services contained in the healthcare scheme on offer to RBS employees. So why the hesitation to welcome such an act of such huge generosity and public-spiritedness?

Nobody loses out of the deal because, although 25 per cent of the time the scanner is in use is reserved for RBS employees, as there's no waiting time for heart scans – and the new scanner is quicker to complete the procedure – there won't be any need to keep NHS patients waiting in line until after RBS patients have been seen.

Yet I've put down a motion for debate in parliament about NHS donations that have conditions attached. My concern is that the RBS scanner doesn't open the door to companies with a much closer professional interest in the NHS, or whose conditions would influence a cash-strapped health board to change its plans or priorities.

As I suspect this type of donation could become quite common, it seems sensible to examine possible outcomes now as guidance may be required as regards the suitability of donors and their donations. Anything that has the potential to compromise the NHS principle of equality of clinical care, when it's needed, must be resisted.

Counter unproductive
I'VE yet to be convinced that keeping cigarettes under the counter will affect the number of ciggies smoked.

If people still smoke after removing a fag from packets printed with blunt warnings that smoking kills, I doubt if their smokes will be out of mind just because they're out of sight.

But it'll probably cause a deepening of the disapproval shown to smokers and a feeling of persecution on their part given the amount of taxation their frowned-upon habit produces for the Chancellor of the Exchequer. I won't be surprised if, to avoid such communal disapproval, more ciggies originating from the Continent are sold, without advertising, from the back of vans.