SHE is unable to forget the silence. There was no cry heralding the start of a new life, no congratulations from the doctors. There was an absence of noise as her dead baby was taken from the theatre.
Mhairi Flannigan gave birth to her stillborn son Ross by emergency caesarean after going into premature labour with twins at 36 weeks into her pregnancy. And as the doctors lifted him from her womb, that instantaneous wail of birth was never heard.
Moments later, though, the shriek of a newborn baby shattered the silence and this time her daughter Mhairi arrived – a healthy 6lb 4oz, who next Tuesday will celebrate her 11th birthday.
On Monday, however, all the Flannigans, dad Stephen, Mhairi, and their four children – Andrew, 16, Grant 14, Mhairi and Murray, eight – will be at Ross's graveside in Morningside Cemetery, remembering him as part of their family.
While it may be 11 years since they lost their son, the grief is still raw. "We knew Ross was dead. As soon as I went to the hospital they scanned me and found that he had already died."
Sitting in the offices of SANDS Lothians, (the Stillbirth Neonatal Death Society), in the Craiglockhart Tennis Centre, Mhairi, now 44, pauses, searching for words. Her 71-year-old mother Elizabeth Grubb, Edinburgh's current Lady Provost, is at her side, her eyes filling with tears at the memory of that November day in 1997.
"My first two pregnancies had been very normal, so to find out I was expecting twins, it was a real shock. I really wondered how I was going to manage, but as time went on I became euphoric about it, thinking it would be fantastic. The pregnancy was fine, I kept well and both babies were well. Then, at 36 weeks, I went into labour. When I arrived at St John's Hospital, I was scanned and they found he had already died. They said I had to have a caesarean.
"There was just this horrendous silence when Ross was delivered. There was no reason given for why it had happened, and we didn't want a post mortem. Mhairi was fine, thankfully."
She adds: "We were delighted to have Mhairi safe and well but it did make it difficult to celebrate her when we were mourning Ross. But we were fortunate that we had a baby – and the other two boys – and that kept us going. And we were fortunate to have a very close family around us and supportive friends. But it doesn't go away.
"There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of him. Watching Mhairi growing up, celebrating milestones . . . it's always bittersweet. Her brother should have been doing these things too. It's always the smallest events which trigger things. That make you gasp, take you right back."
Ross wasn't the only baby Mhairi lost though. A year to the day that he had died, she suffered an ectopic pregnancy and ended up back in hospital, missing her baby daughter's first birthday.
"We had been to the grave to visit Ross and that night I was taken in. I had the same doctor as before, Dr Cooper, and she has just been wonderful. One of the midwives on duty the night Ross died did an embroidery for us with Ross's name and date of birth. That is still very precious to us.
"We were given a camera to take photos, so we have one of Ross and Mhairi together. And when I was expecting the twins, mum made flannelette gowns for them, and he's buried in one of them which has a sailing boat on it, as his great-grandpa was a sailor. The one he wore we've kept in a box with a lock of his hair. The box goes to my parents' house whenever we go away on holiday. We couldn't leave it alone."
Ross was buried on November 25, but his granddad George Grubb – who was minister of Craigsbank Church in Corstorphine at the time – was unable to take the service. "He's never done family funerals," says Elizabeth, who was a teacher at Donaldson's College until she retired. "He is as bereaved as everyone else and so there was no way he could have done Ross's funeral."
She adds quietly: "I just remember having immense difficulty . . . being overjoyed at having Mhairi but the pain of not having Ross was overcoming that. I was just so unbalanced.
"One of the worst moments was being at home and Stephen phoning to say that they'd lost one of the babies and not knowing what was going on . . ." she says, before stopping, looking for a handkerchief. "And then going with him to the registry office to register the birth and death at the same time. He was so vulnerable. We registered Mhairi first and the registrar said 'that's very nice', but then Stephen had to say 'that's not all' . . . the pain was dreadful."
What helped Mhairi and Stephen, 45, who are both nurses, was attending SANDS meetings. "We were given all the information about SANDS at the hospital," says Mhairi. "Even though we had such support from family and friends it was fantastic to be able to talk to other parents who had suffered a loss, who knew what it felt like. But it was also difficult because I had a baby and there were people there who had no baby at all."
However, Mhairi, from Kirkliston, has recently got back in touch with SANDS because it has just launched two new support groups – one for parents of a surviving twin and the surviving twin, and one for grandparents, like Elizabeth.
"It's lovely being back in touch with SANDS," says Mhairi. "It's lovely to be able to come back to meetings and there are people who know what I'm talking about and able to share the experience."
Elizabeth, though, admits that she has never really grieved properly. "I think I kept myself so busy so that I didn't have to think," she says. "It was probably a defensive mechanism. I was never at SANDS, but I was always glad Mhairi had that support.
"It never made me doubt my faith though, perhaps because it's so ingrained.
" I have asked Mhairi (her granddaughter] if she misses Ross and she says yes. And the boys will say to me that they are a family of five children, that Ross should never be forgotten. And he never will be."
Mhairi adds: "You never stop grieving the loss of your child and you never replace them.
"We will visit Ross the day before his birthday so as not to spend Mhairi's birthday grieving. But friends will call to say happy birthday to her and catch me blubbing in the utility room."
The SANDS annual service of remembrance will be held at 2pm on December 7 at Craiglockhart Parish Church.The charity's annual charity dinner, which will be hosted by the Lord and Lady Provost, is scheduled for March 6 at the Roxburghe Hotel, Charlotte Square, Edinburgh. Tickets are £65 a head of £650 for table of 10.
To contact SANDS, call 0131 622 6263 between 10am and 2pm, Monday to Friday, or visit www.sands-lothian.org.uk
THE FORGOTTEN FATHERSGRANDPARENTS are not the only people sometimes forgotten in the mist of grief which surrounds the death of a baby. Many fathers also feel they are unable to mourn the loss of their child properly, as they have to support wives and other family members.
Which is why SANDS is aiming to ensure fathers know they are welcome at meetings. Stephen Flannigan is one dad who did use its services, when his baby son Ross was stillborn.
"I still grieve for Ross," he says. "It's the small things that bring it back. Trying to find the space to come to terms with your own emotions, it was all very difficult"
Stephen went to SANDS meetings with his wife Mhairi two months after Ross died. "The meetings were great," he says.
The full article contains 1347 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
