TODAY I can exclusively reveal the identity of the man responsible for the current banking crisis. I hope he faces the wrath of the world because he deserves everything he gets. It is none other than the smug and loathsome bloke in the TV adverts for the Picture Loan company.
Every morning he appears with his dreadful wife to reassure daytime TV viewers that their multiple debt worries can be solved through "consolidation" and one quick phone call to Dave at Picture Loans.
Dave talks about football, not repossession.
Dave is dead friendly. Dave is great. But best of all, while setting them up with an eye-watering APR interest rate, Dave never points out how stupid they've been. How they should perhaps have waited until they could actually afford the digital video camera wielded by the wife and all their numerous other domestic gadgets. The message instead is, you don't have to wait for what you want. And don't worry about the cost of it, because debt can happen to the nicest of people.
It's that kind of attitude that has led to the current consumer credit boom and the debt crisis that is now destabilising world banking. It all started with problems in the American sub-market, which specialises in home loans to people with bad credit history. In other words, lending more money to people who can't afford it. Now we are feeling the cold wind over here.
The banks insist we mustn't worry about the current crisis. Well they would say that, wouldn't they. So let's just analyse our relationship with those who sit on our money. Down the years they've fleeced us over charges, sold us dud endowments and made huge profits by lending our savings to people who either start successful businesses or go bust. They treat us with such contempt that on the August Bank Holiday Monday, most of the cash machines in Edinburgh city centre were empty and out of money. Their attitude seems to be, why should they have to make sure funds are available to us when we want them? It's only our money after all.
Based on collective past experience, it's hardly surprising so many people chose to queue in the wind and rain to withdraw their cash from struggling Northern Rock. The banks say don't panic. But if the banks said don't take a raincoat most of us would pack wellies, waterproofs and a large umbrella, just in case. Down the years they have lost our trust and confidence and now they are suffering the consequences.
The way the current crisis is being handled hasn't done anything to tackle that. At the start of the week Chancellor Alistair Darling, pictured, appeared frozen with uncertainty. Asked on Radio Four if the Government would guarantee the safety of Northern Rock savings, he replied that, er, it was a fluid situation and that, er, people should, of course, take their money out if, er, they wanted it.
Although his predecessor has now moved through to Number 10, Gordon Brown is clearly still running the economy because it was only after a day of discussion that the Government came out with a clear promise to guarantee savings.
So now we could all be set to pay the price for the irresponsible behaviour of Northern Rock executives who offered loans and credit well beyond the customer's ability to repay in their greedy search for more and more profit.
Following this situation, some lessons need to be learned. Labour has made efficient management of the economy a crucial part of their pact with the voter. Gordon Brown eventually made it to the top job in Government because of his track record as a safe pair of hands who could be trusted to manage the economy carefully and dependably. Now that reputation is seriously being put to the test.
The Government must make sure we don't get into this mess again by setting up a massive contingency fund, financed by the banks through a percentage of their enormous annual profits. That just might make them focus on their approach to business and the impact that has on the lives of their customers.
But more than that, we all need to look at the state of a consumer society fuelled by greed and the need for the latest shiny object at any price.
Easy credit has made it possible for everyone to have what they want without being able to afford it. Like a small tremor before the big quake, the Northern Rock instability was a warning that we need to change our ways now. Otherwise, next time, we could all end up paying the price.
Talking tosh about freedom of speech
RENT-A-GOB lawyer Amar Anwar was a bit too quick to condemn the guilty verdict on his client, the would-be suicide bomber from Alva, Mohammed Siddique.
Showing utter contempt for the jury system that helps him earn his crust, Anwar claimed their verdict had been clouded by the Glasgow Airport attack and the anniversary of 9/11. He went on to condemn the conviction as "a tragedy for freedom of speech".
What he conveniently chooses to ignore is, if radical Islamic fundamentalists like his client got their way, then freedom of speech would be the first thing to go and anyone voicing dissent against religious fascism would pay a far more terrible price than the fate that awaits Mr Siddique.
