DO you ever feel that life isn't difficult enough? That problems like global warming, relatives you don't like, the spread of HIV and Third World debt just aren't taxing you where it counts?
Then perhaps you're one of the countless drones who has found relief in sudoku, the numbers-based puzzle that has swept the nation like avian bird-flu in a Chinese barn dance.
Consider the origins of the term, sudoku; su means - very roughly - nu
mber in Japanese, while doku translates as singular or solitary but can also mean bachelor. That's right; a solitary loser. Being called a solitary loser doesn't make sudoku people very happy, as I discovered on the bus the other day.
Those that practise sudoku flatter themselves into thinking that it shows something other than the ability to fold a newspaper. They believe it is a display of extraordinary reasoning power, a demonstration of their logical cleverness. They might even mention the creativity involved. Both these claims have as much truth in them as the one that George Bush has much to offer the world of renaissance poetry.
An ability to complete sudokus and similar artificial and inconsequential puzzles is a brilliant demonstration of - an ability to complete sudokus, in the same way that the IQ tests put about by sad organisations like Mensa reveal nothing more than how good you are at IQ tests.
Does it never strike these people as relevant that the only people impressed by Mensa membership are other members of Mensa? (I know that if I ever get round to designing an organisation that defines who is intelligent and who isn't, the ideal member will look a lot like me.)
We could leave it there if it was the case that these "harmless" puzzles are merely relief from the misery of the real world. (This is obviously a "rich" world issue because whatever it is that the poor and oppressed are crying out for it's not the next Bumper Book of Sudoku, although you could imagine how much pain could have been avoided in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina if they'd airlifted in a few thousand sets of Buckaroo. It even comes with some little tools they could have used.)
The genuine annoyance arises because for the most part sudokus and other distractions involve genuine brainwork - no-one could doubt that - on the part of people with some degree of intelligent minds.
Being a problem-solver is a good thing. Being a problem solver for made-up problems that don't matter is a waste of time. Sudoku is just another seemingly intelligent but ultimately brainless activity that has been invented to provide head-burying distraction from modern life.
By allowing these angst-ridden hamsters to spin away on their wheels of number-crunching, these puzzles divert them from addressing real world issues directly and in a manner that might offer the genuine prospect of improving appreciation of their own and others' circumstances.
REAL problems aren't solved by being distracted by lesser ones. If they were we could just air-drop thousands of crosswords over Iraq. It's quite difficult to mount a decent insurgency when you can't figure out 2 Down; "Much garlanded magician", begins with W.
Of course, I am being harsh. All of us - from sudoku losers to underpaid politicians and Mariah Carey fans - need relief from the unremitting nature of contemporary so-called life. Rich or poor, married or single, popular or lawyer; we could all use something to help us cope with the seemingly never-ending avalanche of issues that greets us everyday on the downhill slopes of life.
There is, thankfully, another (relatively) modern invention that has the capacity for relief, distraction AND reflection; that has the potential to improve our lives. This invention is the book. (And I'm not talking Harry Potter here. If you are an adult reading Harry Potter then you're not going to be joining any of us on the big table any time soon. So just sit back and - if you've finished reading and re-reading the latest exciting volume - play with your ring tones. We'll get back to you when we need some advice on how to capture goblins.)
Take - please - just one 21st century book by profound example; The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. This is as intelligent, involved, and compelling a work of fiction as anyone is likely to write in our lifetimes. It is relief from and enlightening response to the sometimes dispiriting world we live in.
Of course, not everyone who does sudoku will let go of their filthy habit quickly. They will need some encouragement. So the next time you find yourself sitting beside some ferret-like fellow passenger, ballpoint scribbling numerals in the newspaper margins, give them a little tap on the shoulder and ask: "Couldn't you manage a book?"
Christmas gifts that'll leave you feeling chokedCHRISTMAS has come early for drivers.
Not only is there the Aberdeen bypass to celebrate, there is also the prospect of a second Forth Road Bridge so that even more of you can pollute the atmosphere for everyone else, while, with the M74 scheme progressing against the public inquiry, it's obvious Santa's carbon-fuelled elves have been hitting the eggnog early.
One surprise gift the whole country could celebrate would be a truly festive integrated transport policy.
Meanwhile, it's time our officials entered into the spirit of the season. First and foremost, all our lovely traffic attendants could dress as Santa, allowing everyone to share in the joy of the beautiful, red and white wrapped presents they'll leave.
Or they could re-design the tickets to resemble bright red noses, to be stuck on the grills of all offending cars.
All of which would come together to produce a cleaner, safer city for everyone to spend their yuletide in. Once the streets are in a better, less-crowded state, all our presents would come on time more of the time.
After all, Santa wouldn't have to come down the chimney any more.
• Jennifer Veitch is away
